trainer dates

I am thankful today for being selected to train the new literature section for next year. probably the courses will be held early next yr. i miss the training days, the excitement, the preparation and the whole stint in a hotel. so am really thankful for this break from the state.

tomboy phase

When i was young, i dressed like a tomboy. it was not intentional or that i was a lesbian or something. just a tendency to dress like a boy. felt more comfortable in jeans, checked shirts and t-shirts. i did not notice the direction i was going. had my hair cut short after having long hair till I was in Form 1. Mum was a tailor but she did not have the time to sew anything decent for me. and i did not complain as i was very active in games. cousins would comment;. sis tried to change me, tried to teach me sewing, etc and i hated every moment of it. i just could not produce a decent piece of needlework; or, the piece of cloth would be black by the time i finished with it or was it the other way around. i was more interested in playing the guitar. Of course, i was also interested in boys by then, but it did not change my dressing. However, one defining moment was when i attended a camp for a week in Penang. On the last day, outsiders were invited to watch our performance. I was dressed in brown velvet jeans, leather belt and a brown checked shirt for one of our sketch. While waiting for our turn, i sat down among the audience. As i was making my way to the chairs, i heard two men commented on my appearance; 'Another one of those...' That comment hurt me a lot. No, I was not a lesbian. No, I did not feel like a boy. I felt every inch a girl. It's just that i really did not venture into dresses at that time due to my upbringing and the company i kept. From that day onwards, I was determined to look like a girl. Started buying skirts and blouses. And suddenly, plenty of boys started coming around to the house.. Hmmmm ..Now, i still am very comfortable in jeans and t-shirts. I can emphatise with young girls who are a bit tomboyish...It is just a phase that we go through.

More Defining moments

More defining moments of my life.....

Age 35 .....

A few years ago, I was chewed by hubby's manager one night in a club. i had taken the food first without waiting for his wife. As the president's wife, she is supposed to take the buffet dinner first before the rest of the ladies. As she was busy on the phone, i proceeded to take the food and when the hubby came over to the food table, he saw me in front of her. He chewed me up. really scolded me in front of everyone. sungguh memalukan. he said that since i have no manners, and my husband have not done much to correct me, it is time he teach me some... well, my eyes were brimming with tears at that time, i did not dare to even reply cos i was sure i would break down. everyone was so shocked at his outbursts. and out came a lot more accusations, that i did not even try to be friendly to his family, did not visit them, was not helpful like the previous assistant's wife, etc...pretty bull.s... stuff. Looking back, it was pretty stupid of me to stand such nonsense. should have walked out of the dinner. but i sat there, and tried to eat my food. Urrrrgh.... i had to bear with him, put up with this kind of bullying for ten years... He is finally out of my life and my marriage. Looking back now, the incident and many other incidents had really eroded my self-esteem. At that time, i so very much wanted to try to at least get along with him, for my hubby's sake but whatever i did was never good enough. He couldn't get me to kow-tow to him and it frustrated him. I was unlike all the other wives and he tried to mould me into a typical planter's wife....I lived in two worlds, one in the estate and one in school.

Defining moments of my life

Defining moments of my life

I am going through this book by Dr Phil entitled Self Matters and one of the exercise is to write on the defining moments of my life. So, I am trying to remember what events have been most defining from childhood till now.

Age 1 - 5
Cannot remember any event vividly except for the time when i followed a neighbour to Sunday School and it rained heavily and we could not go home. i was terrified and i started crying. i think i must have been about 4 or 5. I think i did not dare to venture anywhere without my parents till I was Form 1.

Age 6 - 12
I can remember one event which changed my life...the day my neighbour decided to move to greener pastures in KL. I practically lived with them, being in and out of their house all the time. They had four children and a few other cousins and that house was like our meeting place. We used to meet to play house, cards, etc. Then, the father was retrenched from the tin mining company. He decided to apply for a job with Dunlop in KL. I was in Year 2. When they shifted, i cried a lot because i suddenly became very alone and lonely. I longed for them, day and night. It was very difficult to pass the time, especially in the evenings. When I went to school, i was suddenly alone, waited for the bus alone, went everywhere alone..I had to learn to make new friends. I think i told myself that i was going to make a lot of friends, just in case if any goes away, i would still had a few others to play with. I started to mix with people of all ages. I did a lot of things to impress them so that they would be friends with me. really pathetic. Till today, i think i still try to make people happy, very obliging and i would do all i can to help my friends.